When a suicide happens in a community, the shock and grief can make everyone feel less safe, said Greg Marley, LCSW, clinical director of the National Alliance of Mental Illness (NAMI) Maine.

Marley spoke recently at Gorham High School (GHS) sharing his 30 plus years of experience and expertise in prevention awareness after a traumatic loss with his Maine Suicide Prevention Program titled “Supporting our Families and Protecting our Children after a Suicide,” to a fairly full auditorium.

According to Marley, support for a community after a suicide loss involves allowing the time and opportunity to grieve and actively supporting the needs of those people most affected by the loss.

“Suicide prevention is up to us all and now, more than ever, we need to know what we can do to support our children,” said Marley.

Marley shared some statistics. The biggest increase of suicides in youth is 10- to 15-year-olds. Every 36 hours in Maine someone is lost to suicide. Suicide is the second leading cause of death for 15- to 34-year-olds. Every other week a young person dies by suicide (10- to 24-years-old). Firearms are the most prevalent way of death (53%).

He said that as a society, suicide is not easily and openly talked about. Most people feel that it is shameful so they don’t talk about it, but he said, “most of the time suicide is preventable if we are able to step into those conversations.”

After a suicide, Marley said grief lasts three to five times longer than any other death. “It’s always there. For a parent, there’s no loss like the loss of a child. Loved ones are left with questions, torment, guilt, and regret,” he shared.

The reaction after a suicide is shock, hurt, anger, and trying to make sense of it. A common response is that “the community feels less safe all of a sudden,” said Marley.

Grief is a normal reaction to loss and with youth this may be their first experience with death. An adolescent suicide can bring up a youth’s own sense of mortality. It is important to remember that every teen’s grieving experience is unique.

“The strong emotions can be scary as they feel out of control. They may feel anger. And males and females often grieve differently,” said Marley. Teens may hide or mask their feelings to protect a parent or feel like they are not supposed to show emotions.

Red flags in grief reactions, according to Marley, are: isolation, rumination, depression; explosions; internalization of grief; alcohol, drugs risk reactions; taking responsibility or blame; and changes that are out of character for them.

So how can we support our youth? Marley says we need to start by acknowledging the elephant in the room. Talk about the person who died and the death. Be clear about what is known. Be open to a range of questions and be comfortable asking hard questions. Create a safe time and location to open up the conversation.

Marley suggested not to force the conversation, but be gently persistent. If youth can’t talk to a parent, then encourage them to talk to someone else and make a plan as to whom that may be.

Marley said parents should be aware of how the loss affects them and their family. Model self-care: eat well, sleep, exercise, give yourself distractions, talk to someone you trust, and give yourself time. He also recommends grief counseling. “I call them consultants,” he said as they have the skill set and knowledge base to help.

When discussing suicide prevention, Marley said there are a lot of myths out there. One myth is that if someone decides that they want to take their life there’s nothing anyone can do to stop them. Marley said 9 out of 10 people has told at least one person before they attempt suicide. There are warning signs most of the time.